Wednesday, March 31, 2004

A very merry un-baptism to you!

Responsing to the Church of Latter Day Saint's (aka Mormon's) posthumous baptizing of deceased Jews--including victims of the Shoah--), the International Jewish Conspiracy unveiled a campaign this week to de-baptize the Mormons.
The Church of Latter-day Saints, a religious sect founded by a man who claimed to learn the word of God by putting his face in a hat, has been baptizing the dead, including up to several hundred thousand Jews. The International Jewish Conspiracy is fighting back with a sweeping program of de-baptism that will forceably "choose" Mormons and other Christian fundamentalists for inclusion in G-d's favorite tribe.

Jews to have been baptized include Menachem Begin, a former prime minister of Israel, diarist Anne Frank, and the Baal Shem Tov, the spiritual leader whose teachings form the basis for the Hasidic movement.

Non-Jews to have been baptized include Adolf Hitler, formerly a Roman Catholic...

Mormons baptize the dead using a practice known as proxy baptism, which allows a living person to stand in for the deceased," explains Yosef Shmidt, counter-Mormon intelligence specialist. "The process is slow, and requires a ceremony that includes complete immersion of the proxy in water. 'De-bapping' is done on a specially consecrated Macintosh G-4 computer, known as the Mac A/B. It's faster, and since you use fewer towels, better for the environment.'
The process submits the subject to a virtual bris, six years of Hebrew lessons zipped into 8.3 seconds, several heavy meals and a bar- or bat-mitzvah at which virtual relatives talk about the subject's acne. "All told, it takes 14.2 seconds per goy, and we think we can improve on that with firewire."

The Church of Latter-day Saints makes no effort to inform the family members of those baptised by proxy; the only way to know if your relatives have been baptised in death is to look for their names on the Mormon's on-line International Geneological Index. To request the removal of a family member from their records, follow these instructions.

Thanks to mobius at JewSchool for pointing this one out.


The background image on this page is a Hebrew translation of the verse from Bob Dylan's song  It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding), from which the title of this blog is taken. Translation courtesy of Yoram Aharon of Hod-HaSharon's page--found via YudelLine-- which has many Dylan lyrics in Hebrew.